Boyfriends are great for lots of things, such as emotional support and companionship and also snuggling. But there is one major problem with boyfriends: they aren’t Collage.com photo pillows. Here’s why pillow-love beats the real thing.
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Pillows: Pillows listen. In fact, pillows can do nothing but listen. Pillows will never, ever disagree with you or inadvertently hurt your feelings, because pillows are inanimate objects and do not have mouths. Pillows are always on your side.
Boyfriends: Boyfriends also listen, but sometimes are distracted by things like cellular telephones and videos on the internet. Also, don’t you think it’s possible you’re overreacting to that thing Sarah said and can we just go to bed now?
Pillows: Pillows are very amenable to hanging out with your friends, even your former coworker Karen, who is, one might say, an “acquired taste.” Pillows will stay out as long as you want, and pillows will never sneak longing glances at their iPhones. Pillows are never bored.
Boyfriends: Boyfriends are humans with preferences. Boyfriends do not like your former co-worker Karen.
Pillows: Pillows never take up too much space in bed. They don’t sprawl. They don’t snore. They are never restless, and they do not press the snooze button when their alarm rings at 6 am even though obviously they weren’t going to wake up at 6 am, and why didn’t they listen to you when you told them that?
Boyfriends: Boyfriends sprawl. Boyfriends snore. Certain boyfriends have been known to press the snooze alarm several times per morning.
Winner: Human touch is nice, but…pillows.
Pillows: Pillows are very considerate of your feelings, because they do not have feelings of their own. Pillows are reassuring anchors in an uncertain world. Pillows are always there for you. Pillows will never have an existential crisis. Pillows don’t have doubts.
Boyfriends: Boyfriends try to consider your feelings, but are sometimes distracted by their own feelings, or by their email accounts. Sometimes, boyfriends are overcome with regret at their decision to go to law school and then are moody for several consecutive days without explanation.
Pillows: Pillows will never judge you. Pillows are always up for a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathon, and pillows do not scrunch up their stupid faces when you suggest that Pretty Little Liars is actually a really good show, kind of. Pillows love Pretty Little Liars! Any excuse to sit still on the sofa is fine with pillows.
Boyfriends: Boyfriends do not always understand the depth of emotions between Detectives Benson and Stabler. Sometimes, boyfriends ask to change the channel. “Can I turn this off?” said a boyfriend, once.
Winner: Pillows, absolutely.
Pillows: Pillows always make time for you. Pillows are never distracted. Pillows will give you the last bite of ravioli. Pillows want nothing more than to linger over dinner and stare into your eyes for hours. Pillows can do this all night.
Boyfriends: Boyfriends sometimes have last-minute work conflicts, or indigestion. Some boyfriends get impatient and check their cellular telephones at dinner, during the time that they are supposed to be looking into your eyes. Boyfriends have been known to eat the last piece of ravioli.
Winner: Pillows. Conversation is nice. Ravioli is nicer.
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